March-May 2005 BOTM
			We know, we know.  It’s nearly the end of another incredibly bizarre and calendar-insensitive school year.  We know that you’ve suffered through many hours of arduous classes, screwy classmates, drunken monkeys, and a severely perpetual lack of sleep. Okay, maybe not the drunken monkeys part.  That may be for the best.  Really. But we also know that the renowned and vaunted BOTM committee has been silent for some time.  There have been no missives of massive hassle issuing forth from the nigh-infinite reaches of cyberspace to ease the torment of the humor-deprived.  We’re here to fix that.  In the end, no one escapes the BOTM committee’s watchful eye.  Or eyes.  We’d think watchful eyes, because sharing one eye among a committee can be quite dangerous.  Just look what happened to those three hags!  The BOTM committee has a very special targe…uh…nominee this month.  This poor benighted individual thought they had escaped the notice of the Committee…they thought the Committee was exercising something called discretion (because believe you me, this person’s done a lot that’s Bitch-worthy) which they should’ve known better, because the Committee doesn’t know what discretion is.             The Winner this month has been part of the club for many a year, and there’s rather a lot we can say about them.  Okay.  There’s rather a lot we COULD say about them, but we’ve been instructed to keep things to a strict PG-13 standard. Fine.  We can still use innuendo in case there’re impressionable young minds out there who stumble across this most massive missive of mirth and good-natured roasting.  Which is a good thing, because when people used to get roasted there was nothing good-natured about it.  Something about an Inquisition, and never expecting one.  We’re not completely sure.  In keeping with our established format (which was a surprise to us too), we shall first provide several not-so-anonymous clues to the identity of the Bitch, followed by the announcement and more specific teasings and general frippery. Yes, Frippery is a word.  It’s a word we like, but it’s not one that can be applied to this month’s bitch.  Why not?  Well, according to several reliable sources, frippery is defined as foolish levity.  Or junk.  We’re not totally sure how one gets from foolish levity (having nothing to do with jeans or levitation, which would be cool) to trashy junk.  Or junky trash.  But such is the English language.  Tis a silly thing.  However.  This month’s Bitch is certainly not cheap tawdry junk.  We’re pretty sure they can’t levitate – and if they can, they’ve been keeping it a damn good secret at the expense of some personal dignity.  The Bitch has been spotted on many occasions wearing Jeans, though we are unsure which brand is their preferred brand.  It would make us laugh if they turned out to be Levi’s.  Though we imagine Levi would be very upset if he or she found this month’s bitch in their pants.  We know someone else who’d be fairly peeved as well.  It’s probably a good thing, then, that the Bitch does not steal pants belonging to Levi and wear them.  Or get into Levi’s pants without Levi’s knowledge.  That we or the other interested party are currently aware of.  Or really want to know about.  Ever.  Some mental images go too far even for the BOTM committee (that we will admit.  You gotta watch for those RSODs, they’re sneaky).  That said, let us list some of the Bitch’s unique qualifications. 1.  Has never been nominated for BOTM since the convening of the current BOTM committee.  Ever.  Not once, though they have come close a few times. 2.  Claims to despise foil, though documented evidence exists that they have fenced foil in the past.  However, no evidence exists regarding the Bitch picking up an epee.  We think this is likely a good thing. 3.  Member of the club for all four years of their time at Goucher.  This speaks somewhat of the Bitch’s intelligence, but we’re not sure if that’s positive or negative.  At least they weren’t on the six year plan. 4.  Is female.  While many feel that the moniker of “Bitch” may only be awarded to women for both grammatical and etimological reasons, we of the BOTM committee disagree.  We feel that Bitches can be either sex or gender, which can make for some interesting combinations sometimes.  Or so we hear.  In any event, the majority of club members are female so that doesn’t narrow it down much. 5.  Astute club members will have noted that a previous qualifier alluded to the Bitch’s weapon of choice but did not state it directly. 6.  There is NOOOOO #6. 7.  The Bitch, in a clearly vain effort to elude the Committee’s attention, has been known to imitate another former BOTM winner so closely that other club members have confused the two.  However, the BOTM committee is far too clever to fall for such an obvious ruse, even when the Bitch forgets who they are and refers to themselves as the former BOTM winner.  8.  Which is really more of a 7a, but who cares.  The Bitch’s efforts to elude the Committee’s notice have also included public declarations of attempted assimilation with the former BOTM committee.  These declarations have sorely confused the Certain Person who we’d imagine would be most peeved if the Bitch ended up in Levi’s jeans.  We feel for you, dude.  Really. 9.  The Bitch has been awarded the Goucher Men’s Basketball Team “Best Stride” award for…oh, a couple years now.  Apparently these sterling paragons of Basketball adeptitude felt it necessary to comment on the allegedly ample amount of terrain the Bitch could cover while in motion.  We really have no idea what could have inspired such a random comment.  Really.  We don’t.  Jerks. 10.  The Bitch has steadfastly (well, maybe not steadfastly but reasonably close enough that we could fudge it) endured three years of abuse from the coach, who will likely continue to abuse the Bitch for an indeterminate period of time. 11.  The Bitch has also scored an unprecedented 9.8 for their spontaneous butt-plant into a snowbank.  Witnesses report that it wasn’t a faceplant but would have been if they had been facing the proper direction.  They also report that the coach had absolutely nothing to do with hip-checking the Bitch into said snowbank after some manner of hideously obnoxious comment on the part of the Bitch. Still haven’t figured it out?  Well…Here’s one more clue: She’s a sabrist. Another one:  She mostly comes to practice when, we suspect, she’s not practicing snow-bank-diving. And thusly, it is with great ado ( or much ado, if you like shaking spears violently at people), that we the BOTM committee present the Bitch of May 2005… REBECCA “Junior” WILSON!! Yes, that’s right.  Our dearest Becky Junior, so named for Another Illustrious Becky who happened to be a foilist…a feared foilist…but who left.  And when Mother Becky left, there was naught but Junior remaining to populate the lists of people Called becky in the club.  Verily, Becky shall be difficult to replace.  The silly girl is graduating, leaving never to return (probably until school gets back in and practices fire up again in the fall.  We know how it goes).  There aren’t any other current Rebeccas that the BOTM committee is aware of, which probably means there’s like twelve of them hiding, just waiting for us to let our guards down before the VICIOUS AND UNPROVOKED ATTACKS BEGIN… Sorry.  Anyway, ol’ Junior has taken to her moniker with zest, glee, and a few other detergent names we can’t think of at the moment.  In fact, since becoming president, one could postulate that she’s followed rather well in the footsteps of her namesake, even though her namesake really was Mother and not Becky. No, that’s not right.  Other way around.  Becky and not Mother.  Though we don’t know what kind of Mother Junior would make, she has definitely displayed some mothering tendencies. We know she’ll just love that one.   But her mothering tendencies haven’t extended to foil.  Foilists, perhaps, but not foil.  Even though you need to have the arm extending, we couldn’t say her mothering tendencies haven’t extending into foil because that would be a grammatical nightmare.  Eats, shoots, and leaves. Yes, Becky is still a sabrist.  Sabreur?  Sabrette?  Who the hell knows.  Will she be back?  Who the hell knows.  Will she be missed? We’ll let you answer that one.  We do know that she’s going to miss out on repeated blows to the head and admonitions to quit doing that twisty thing.  We know her plans include attempting to infiltrate Salle Pelage, which has a silly name.  We don’t know what she’ll find in there, but remind her of the fates of Exar Kun as well as that other dude, the one with the brother who got his arm lopped off by that guy.  And also Luke, even though it happened in Dork Empire which was still the worst comic series ever conceived of.  It shames the BOTM committee to say that they’ve read the damn thing and worse that it was made canon.  At least Tim Zahn made it better.  A bit. Congratulations, Becky Junior!  You Are THIS MONTH’S BITCH!! The BOTM award is still brought to you by the mostly anonymous BOTM committee, who are no great respectors of personage and will eventually get around to making fun of absolutely everyone.  We always welcome new members, though we’re both quite happy with our own arms and legs.  We don’t need more of THOSE members. Perverts.  You know what we mean.  Have a great summer!