February 2005 BOTM
			Yes, boys and girls, it’s that time again. The Winter snows have gone away (mostly), the groundhog has emerged from the ground and issued his meteorological prognostications (more winter), and the BOTM committee has returned from the frozen heights of the Appalachian mountains with new material, new Bitches, and many more random statements. The Bitch this month was nominated by someone who was not, is not, and probably won’t ever be affiliated with the BOTM committee except to quiver in anticipatory fear of their inevitable entry into those most hallowed ranks. However, we of the BOTM committee who are neither silent nor possess brightly colored athletic clothing are grateful (well, not really but we’re trying to be nice here) for the nominator’s relatively keen powers of observation. The other half of the BOTM committee who does own brightly colored athletic clothing and tends to be silent could not be reached for comment. We assume they will take their usual position of neutrality tinged with “when will it stop?” that appears to be the norm. But enough about silent clothing and keen-eyed nominators. This award is for the member of the club who has, through adventure, design or misfortune distinguished themselves above and beyond the usual level of insanity that pervades the club in any given month. Or whatever time period we so happen to decide on. The chronological period this time around spans January and February of the year 2005, which is rather longer than most BOTM’s and definitionally shorter than the BOTY, which there haven’t been any for a couple of years. Okay, three years. Two years. 2005 just started and it’d be a lot premature to hand out the most hallowed of roasts so early in the year. There was no BOTY 2003 or 2004, which if you think about it really is a shame. I mean, we can’t go awarding the greatest prize in club history to inanimate objects or to integral members of the BOTM committee, regardless of their clothing or lifestyle choices. However, we can award the greatest perpetually rolling prize in club history to people who are NOT members of the BOTM or BOTY committee(s), the only such organizations in the club. Well, yeah, there’s the executive board but how someone could let a piece of wood run a fencing club is beyond even our prodigious capacity. Luckily, the Bitch this month is not a member of any of those sub-groups and organizations, rendering them fully eligible. So, before we digress any further let us examine some of the qualities of this month’s (er, month-and-a-fortnight) Bitch. 1. Blonde hair. Or is it blond hair? Or maybe just really bright yellow in a non-dyed but possibly still chemically altered hair? We don’t know, we don’t want to know, nor do we really want to find out. However, it should be noted that the possession of blond(e) hair in any format is fairly common and in no large way narrows the field. Much. Okay, by about half. There’re a lot of people who don’t have that type of hair in the club. Be that way. 2. Possession of a motor vehicle with a number of quirks. For example, it was noted that the Bitchmobile (while not being tomato-orange) carried a rather amusing shade of blue paint which could have also been turquoise, or blue-green. Turquoise is a funny word that’s not too easy to spell correctly, we’ll have you know. The Bitchmobile also was observed to shake in a horizontal axis parallel to the road when starting from a complete or near-complete stop. We of the BOTM committee would not be surprised if the Bitchmobile has a special place to hit on the dashboard that makes cool things happen, like cannons popping out of the sides. It would explain why the Bitchmobile rides so low. Or it could be the fact that the vehicle was loaded to capacity when it was observed. We’re not sure. It could have been the treasure chest. 3. Possession of a unidirectional sense of direction. The Bitch is great at getting there, but maybe not so good at getting back home again. Perhaps coincidentally, this fact is reflected in the Bitch’s overall fencing style and provides an excellent segue for… 4. An abundant(ly stated) disdain for Right of Way: Yes, this one should narrow it down more than just a little bit (like the Bitchmobile didn’t). The Bitch did start their fencing life as an epeeist but has graduated into the vastly preferable (to half the BOTM committee) saber, or sabre, or however you spell it but we spell it saber. It must be stated that simply because the Bitch fences saber, their disdain for Right of Way has not decreased in any noticeable quantity. 5. A desire to sow chaos and confusion far and wide against competitors: Most ably demonstrated at a tournament that took place outside the boundaries of the consideration period, the Bitch enjoys taking convention, turning it on its ear, and kicking it repeatedly until it pleads for a mercy which will never come. Yes, that’s right (traditional sabrists may wish to skip this next part), the Bitch fences WITH THE POINT of the saber! The horror! The audacity! The utter freakin irritation that was permanently etched upon the faces of those having the misfortune to come against the Bitch in competition…or maybe that was just the acid the BOTM’s sabotage division employed against their masks. We’re not sure and no one’s admitting that red athletic clothing had anything to do with it. 6. THERE IS NOOOOOO….#6. 7. The Boots. Technically legal, insofar as there are no descriptions of appropriate footwear save that they adequately protect the feet of the fencer in question. Though the Bitch did not wear the regulation knee-high socks, the knee-high leather boots concealed this fact from anyone who would pick nits – and there were those who could have been planting nits to pick later on. If you haven’t figured it out by now, this month-and-a-fortnight’s winner is… Brendan Reed (and his boots)!! Yes, after over a year (we think) of effort Brendan has finally managed to win a BOTM award of his very own; never shall he have to share the credit with someone else or be mocked for his many amusing idiosyncracies – like not fencing foil. That’s pretty funny. Our records indicate he may be the only blond(e) haired fencer currently at the club who does not fence foil. Yea Verily, we find that amusing. The other thing that we find funny is Brendan’s Pirate thing. Not quite sure where it came from, how it manifests or really even what its purpose is other than generating stares at tournaments and glances of confusion everywhere else, it seems to work for him and in the end, that’s what counts. Knowing is half the battle. No, it’s not but who are we to countermand the statement of GI Joe, the elite counter-terrorism force dedicated to stopping Cobra, bent on world domination. We of the BOTM committee are rather glad Brendan chose Pirates to emulate rather than a silly Hasbro toy line, otherwise we’d really have to mock him. More than we do for joining the SCA. Or fencing epee. Though we do have to admit to finding his saber methodology to be highly amusing and worthy of one of the higher qualities of a true Bitch: Irritating people so badly they lose their heads. Figuratively. After all, Brendan is not from the clan MacLeod that anyone knows of, so the chances of him being an Immortal are correspondingly teeny. Or small. Congratulations, Brendan! You are This Month’s Bitch! The Bitch of the Month Award is brought to you by the BOTM committee, which is still operated by one-half volunteers and one-half shanghaied people who may or may not have had any contributory input to the award. Also, the letters L, D, Q and the number 3