January 2003 BOTM

Just when you thought you were safe. When you figured, "Hey, I can act like a tool and no one will be the wiser!" We bring you the RETURN OF...

Bitch of the Month: January 2003
Cower in fear and Terror!

This little object d'torment has formally been resurrected. You people are not getting enough sarcasm and quality wit, not to mention no one's poking fun at anyone else for silly sh*t anymore.

No, we don't know what language object d'torment is from. It ain't French, because even though French is the official language of fencing, it is also the official language of the raunchiest, rudest, smelliest and most obnoxious country in Western Europe. That's right, France. I'd like it if it weren't full of French people.

Personally, I think the International Fencing Federation (a much cooler name then FIE, which means the same thing but in French) just made French the official fencing language so that the French would have SOMETHING to do with the coolest damn sport in the world, and therefore would shut the hell up.

But alas, this month's bitch is NOT the French people. That would be Bitches of the month, and there may have been one time that there were co-bitches. This month's Bitch was selected after many long minutes of deliberation - about three, I think - and even more longer minutes of review of the Bitch's finest qualities, those outstanding things that make you look at the Bitch and say, "Wow. What a Bitch."

It didn't help that there were two whole club meetings in January, but hey. Don't complain.

Without further ado (whatever that is), we of the BOTM committee bring you this month's Bitch:

*drum roll*
KELLY, AKA "Shoeless Joe" and/or "Target!" whatever-his-lastname!

Yes, that's right. Dubbed "Shoeless Joe" last semester for his habit of fencing barefoot, he was renamed "Target" for some obscurely funny reason early this semester by the fencing club's nickname committee. However, his nicknames and podiatrial habits are not the driving force behind this most honored nomination.

No, it's because Kelly chose to sit out of the new drills instituted this semester by the returned coach-type person, Rudi "don't call me sir" Waldschuetz the first time around, and blame it on his TOE, no less! Or maybe it was the second time around, we really don't remember all that well. After all, January ended a long time ago!

Kelly's cries of "My Toe! My Toe!" brought back many fond memories of the golden 90's and the introduction of the Super Nintendo's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Through the Portal of Time video game. You see, whenever one of the intrepid masked heroes stepped on a spiky land mine they would stop what they were doing to hop up and down, clutching their foot and screaming "My TOE! My TOE!!" before resuming the asswhipping. I preferred the Comic version to the Cartoon version, but the Foot were still robots. Pansy video game censors.

Kelly, however, did NOT resume asskicking. He chose instead to resist the urge to asskick and sat around ON his ass waiting for the drills to end. Perhaps he was channeling for the spirit of a PVGC...though we all know how Kelly loves to make music by exhaling through PVC pipe. Maybe PVC doesn't stand for PolyVinyl Chloride, but instead Pansy Videogame Censor! THE HORROR!! The utter appropriateness of this award...

But you see, WHEN it happened isn't as important as the fact that it DID happen. In January, no less, which is why Kelly is this month's Bitch.

Congratulations, Kelly! We Salute You, The First Bitch of 2003!

This award brought to you by the BOTM/BOTY committee, of which half the members are anonymous. The other half is comprised of someone who isn't anonymous but isn't saying who they are. Should you wish to contest your nomination, contact the United Nations and file a complaint. Silly French cheese-eaters.