BOTY 2002

Be wary. Be Warned. This Bitch of the Year award is far harsher then any other BOT_ award ever given, with the possible exception of the first one.

Bitch of the Year: 2002
A truly bigger whack-o then the Osbournes and Anna Nicole combined!

It is with no small relief and glee that we announce that the Bitch of the Year 2002 is mercifully NO LONGER WITH US.

No, we don't mean dead. We mean he ain't here at Goucher anymore. Or wherever you're reading this over the web. There are many qualities that this year's Bitch possesses that we feel would serve him well in places like boot camp or perhaps this nation's prison system. Perhaps even psychiatric counseling of the "Doctor" Laura variety or an editor for the Weekly World News (that's a supermarket tabloid for those who don't know.)
Instead, this individual chose to come to Goucher and use the Fencing club to inflate his ego far further than any external safe tolerance level. We will never know just how great this year's Bitch is...in his own mind.

We know that the Bitch has scared off at least a dozen people, eclipsing all previous records set by every other member of the club, ever. We do not know how much damage the Bitch has done to Fencing at Goucher and Fencing as a whole sport.

We also know that the Bitch loses all semblance of civility when faced with what he perceives as a threat to his overinflated ego: In other words, anyone who can fence saber better than he can. This, as we infer from conversations with several of the scared-off fencers, appears to be just about anyone who shows up for more than 3 classes. Luckily, the Bitch's acclaimed primary weapon is the epee.

Which, we must note here, is not being denigrated by association with this year's Bitch. Neither is the Bitch's far more rightfully-famous namesake, who we must add is an actor of impressive record and good taste. After all, he DID marry Catherine Zeta-Jones, who gave such an excellent fencing performance in the Mask of Zorro with Antonio Banderas and Anthony (no relation to the school) Hopkins. The non-anonymous member of the BOTY committee thinks that his wife is a far hotter babe then CZJ. She fences better too.

However, this lengthy introduction would not be complete without due notice that the Bitch was taught to fence by the same person who taught Errol Flynn and other Hollywood notaries, proof positive that there's only so much even the best teacher can do with a student. It is then without further ado (which we still don't know what that is) that we present, albeit belated, the Bitch of 2002:

*drum roll*
Michael Douglas!

Yes, the many horror stories told of the incredibly over-competitive and very bothersome interim coach have swayed the BOTY committee into awarding Michael this honor. We have witnessed the after-effects of Michael's forays into saber fencing through the miracle of modern photo-technology and even more horror stories.

Yes, it does truly seem that the years 2000 - 2002 were dark times for Goucher's fencing. You see, fencing does not have to justify its existence solely through competitive endeavors, a fact that Michael seems to have missed. It takes a very specific type of fencer to excel at tournament fencing, a fact that is bemoaned repeatedly on Internet message boards and fencing publications. In fact, the overwhelming majority of the most recent edition of the USFA/FIE-FYE-FO-FUM rulebook is dedicated to stopping cheaters, not dictating the art of honorable combat. I fear many of the old masters are rolling in their graves at this terrible development.

Fencing is also a FUN sport, and it is the social aspect of this that draws many people to it initially. Very few people are attracted to highly stratified and competitive programs as beginners; even fewer to temperamental teachers in said programs. If fencing is to survive in the 21st century as something more than the SCA's older cousin, it needs to attract beginners in a FUN environment!

However, as the very-lamented Brandon Lee says in The Crow, "It can't rain all the time." Somewhere along the line a rift developed between the coach and the fencers, for reasons unknown to this committee. And Michael moved on; rumor places him at Johns Hopkins where he's in the USFCA program, Catonsville Community College and/or UMBC and also at some random fencing club somewhere in Baltimore's Elk Lodge community. We aren't really sure, but we'll leave well enough alone.

Congratulations, Michael! You are This Year's Bitch!
Don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out.