February 2003 BOTM

Ah, February. Month of Groundhogs, chocolates, and little candy hearts. And freaking cold winter storms. On the other hand, while Goucher fencing was temporarily waylaid by Mother Nature's frigidly frozen water there was still more than enough blade-filled insanity for the proper nomination of...

Bitch of the Month!

This month's Bitch was selected after many long minutes of consideration. The Bitch has contributed in many important ways to both the fencing club as a whole and in the enhancement of the Bitch Award. We of the Bitch committee are very pleased that such a truly worthy candidate demonstrated the type of qualities that make the Bitch award the highest honor the club can bestow upon an individual. After all, we could illuminate the type of person who hardly ever shows up and blames their absences on "meetings" and some kind of guilt feeling about not contributing to the campus. But what good would that do for anyone? How would that help the club as a whole?

It wouldn't! So the selection committee cast its net out far and wide in the hope of a better catch.

And we got one! This month's Bitch is one of the club's many Pennsylvania girls. No, I don't think they were included in either version of "California Girls," though I liked the one by Van Halen better. Before I name this month's Bitch, let me list some of her admirably bitchy qualities:

1. She's the volunteer Web Mistress. Why she'd want to take that on is rather beyond our capacity but hey, to each their own. The last Webmistress had to graduate, the silly girl. Clean thoughts, people!

2. She claims to be from Philadelphia. Why that's relevant we don't know. But it is a quality that, while fleeting, deserves mention.

3. She's a foilist. Now, while several prior Bitches have been foilists, that doesn't give the toothpicky weeners any additional leverage when the Bitch Selection Committee sits down to make its choice.

4. Red sweatpants. Need we say more?

5. She's a dancer. We suspect ballet, because she always brings these little pink pointy-toed shoe things to fencing on Mondays, but she never fences in them. At this time the Bitch Committee is unsure why that is.

Introductions aside, we would like to announce that February's Bitch of the Month is:

DEBBIE APPLE!!

Yes, that's right. It's Debbie. The quiet one. You know, you always have to watch out for the quiet ones...they're usually either laughing quietly at you or planning hideously nasty ways to kill you. Or maybe they just don't have anything to say. One of the three, take your pick. The BOTM committee took a poll of its members (which didn't take too long), and came up with a few more reasons why Debbie is the most appropriate candidate for Bitch of the Month in February.

6. There is NOOOOOO 6th thing.

7. She is constantly sending emails "soliciting content" and "photos" for the "club web site." We don't really know what she does with these things. Not that she's gotten all that much yet, but darned if she keeps trying. Persistence eventually pays.

8. GREY sweatpants! Or grAy, depending on which you prefer.

9. She has recently become the Queen of the Disengage. Just ask Matt.

It is for all these qualities, and many more we couldn't think of in time, that we are proud to announce Debbie's Bitch-dom for the entire Month of February. So what that it's almost the end of March? Better late than never!

Congratulations, Debbie! YOU are this Month's Bitch!!

This award is brought to you by the BOTM committee and the letters S, N, O, and W. If you feel you have been nominated in error, please call 1800-BITE-ME. If you want to nominate someone in your place, don't act like such a Bitch next month!