April/May 2004 BOTM

May.  May you what?  May you have survived the last month of school for the academic year and not get devoured by the dreaded Finalsmonster.  May you have a cookie?  I’d prefer a donut, but that’s more of a sugar and chocolate craving thing.  Or is this April instead?  We…we just don’t know anymore!! Cookies would be nice too, though.  April, though, is the month where Spring finally got around to Sprunging and we have just ONE MORE Bitch of the Month to name.  So, knuckle down and prepare yourselves.   

            The Bitch of the month for May is, like last month’s and a number of previous Bitches this year, a freshman.  Freshperson?  I don’t really know why they’re called Freshmen if they’re female, or Freshmen if they’ve clearly been left outside of their original packaging too long and have grown moldy and stale. 

            Kinda like the bread at Stimson, but I don’t see TOO many people at Goucher with green and grey hair.  I shouldn’t, anyway…but that has nothing to do with this month’s Bitch.

            We of the BOTM committee – all of us, this time, so you can’t just pin this one on the loud and vocal half-to-third (we still haven’t really convinced the other person that this isn’t the product of excessively warped but still amusing minds) – have been observing the Bitch throughout the year and noting various and sundry quirks, tricks, and other funny and not so funny things the Bitch does which have finally combined to qualify the Bitch for Bitchdom.  Or something.  Without Further ado (or adieu, but this isn’t a French-speaking production) we present the Qualifying Bitchinessessess…Or something to that effect.

1.      This month’s bitch happens to have a Y Chromosome; it’s been a little while since a Bitch had one. It’s not necessarily the sole qualification, but just a clue to narrow down the possibilities.

2.      He has the most amusing habit of getting caught on camera at various competitions sleeping with his head in a book.  We suspect he may be trying to learn through osmosis, or maybe just catch up on sleep he’s missed while doing other things.  Like…not sleeping.

3.      He has apparently decided to take up the long-forgotten art of Foil Origami, which involves bending the weapons into strange and unusual shapes.  The Bitch this month has taken the art one step further and practices his craft on other people, most of whom are unwilling participants in his artwork.  But at least no bullwhips, crazyglue or macramé is involved.

4.      He was a wrestler in high school.  We don’t know if this was the sport wrestling or the professional wrestling kind of wrestling; however the brother of the loud half-to-third of the BOTM committee is quite the wrasslin’ fan and would have said something if the Bitch was a professional wrestler.  There’s also the minor fact that the Bitch doesn’t do the whole pointing at opponent and threatening with dire bodily harm; he also doesn’t have some goofy-ass name like Goliath or The Rock or any adjectives after his first name like “The Giant” or “Eater of Spam.”  I know, that wasn’t an adjective.

5.      Of the people who show up regularly, the Bitch is the only Foilist who…USES A PISTOL GRIP!!  The shock and horror of this radically non-conformist behavior…uh…shocks and appalls the remainder of the foilist type people.  It doesn’t Appell, appeal or Apple them, so don’t ask.

6.      There’s STILL no 6^th thing.  So there.  Nyaaaaah!

7.      Did we mention the foil origami?

8.      He’s really quiet, and as we all know you’ve gotta watch out for the quiet people the most.  You never know when they’re going to take up epee, or saber, or God forbid spontaneously combust.

9.      There appears to be some popular culture reference to part of his name a few years ago, but no one’s heard from those frogs or the lizards for some time now…I hope the snake didn’t get them.  Bud…  

If you haven’t figured it out by now…Maybe you should come to a few more practices and try provoking a few things to happen now and again.  If that’s possible, it’s not like there’s a great deal of FUN actually happening, because that would just be bad and disastrous.   

            We of the BOTM committee, then, hereby announce to the club and the Internet as a whole that This Month’s Bitch is….

DAVID WEISMAN!!

            Yes, yes, it’s true.  He may be a wrestler or a wrassler, but to the best of our knowledge has never taken on any reptilian opponents in a Florida amusement park.  Or anywhere else for that matter.

      On the other hand, if those Beer Frogs show up again and start the Bud…Weis…Errrrrr… thing we feel that David would be perfectly justified in exterminating the Frogs, the Lizards, and the rest of the swamp life depicted in those horridly silly commercials.

     So now we can all rest easy that another month has passed and there’re people who have escaped the keen eye of the BOTM committee for another month.  But never fear, we’ll get you all sooner or later.  NO ONE ESCAPES THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!

    Oh.  Uh…maybe that should be “No one EXPECTS the Spanish Inquisition OR the BOTM committee’s latest nominee!”  Or something.

Congratulations, David, You are This Month’s Bitch!!

Go on, cheer.  You know you’re glad it’s him and not you.  Don’t think that just because the summer is almost here that the rest of you will get off scot-free.  Are any of you Scots?

The Bitch of the Month Award is brought to you by the ever-present and not-always Prescient BOTM Committee, of which half is done for the semester and the other half is getting kicked out tomorrow.  Since the year is pretty much over at this point we can blame the random and scattered nature of the BOTM narrative on the brainfry experienced by both halves of the BOTM Committee.  So there.  Enjoy your summer, we’ll get the rest of  you next time.