March 2004 BOTM

March.  The time of year named for when people get sick of winter and decide to boldly march forth from their homes and reclaim the land from the cold, nasty, gray chilly ugliness that is winter.  Then they turn around and march right back inside because it’s too damn cold and there’s still snow on the ground.  Especially if you happen to live in Maryland , where if you don’t like the weather wait half an hour.  Obviously, Spring ain’t Sprung.

            The Bitch of the Month for March is a relatively new student here at Goucher.  She’s a freshman – freshperson?  Who cares.  First year student.  She has not been named BOTM previously, though she has many exceptional qualities that…uh…qualify her for this most esteemed position.  In the grand tradition of the BOTM, we shall naturally have to review all of these qualities and examine in depth just WHY they are so bitch-worthy.

  1. This month’s Bitch is, while not being a charter member of the Cripple Club, certainly one of the members of this year’s incarnation of that most annoyingly hallowed sub-institution.  Rumor holds she’s missed more time than the coach-person for injurious recoveries.  There may be some truth to that, but the coach has had many more years to injure himself than she has had for herself. 
  2. She has a temper!  This was evidenced last year when she was a mere prospective and we learned that she’d broken her wrist while mauling an opponent in lieu of the crappy director.  We think it would have been funnier had she mauled the director.
  3. She makes funny squeaky noises when you poke, provoke, annoy, harass, tickle or otherwise come into contact with her, which could explain why she doesn’t fence foil but in fact fences…one of the other two weapons that would clearly give away her identity if you haven’t figured it out already.  If you have, then shut up and let everyone else wait in suspense.
  4. That gigantic bag.  We of the BOTM committee strongly suspect that last month’s Bitch, Whitney, could easily fit inside the giant black rolling engine of deeestruction.
  5. Robo-boob.  Need we say more?
  6. As always, there is NOOOOO sixth thing.
  7. The floppy back hand.  She should know better than to try covering target area, so she keeps that hand either where it shouldn’t be, IE covering target, or stuck in her back pocket.  Why exactly this is remains a mystery, but we’re not going to explore it TOO much.
  8. Hockey hotties with most-to-all of their original teeth.  ‘nuff said.
  9. There’s a certain thing…involving a certain person who never shows up at fencing anymore since the coach chased him off…that if you mention to her…she gets all grossed out.  Which is fun.  But in the interest of decorum and our PG-13 rating I will not mention that specific thing.  But I’ll bet she thinks it anyway.

As always, we of the BOTM committee aim to provide a great deal of humor and buildup towards the final announcement of the awarding of the award to the monthly winner.  Maybe someday there will actually be a little trophy thing, or trophy things, that can be handed out with the winner’s name and month and year on them.  Just so that NO ONE EVER FORGETS who the BOTM was for that month.  Or maybe a plaque thing in the armory…but not the tooth-decay kind of plaque, because that would be so hideously gross and nasty and…just, ew!

      Anyway, without further ado we present to you the Bitch of March 2004:

KATIE McPEAK!!

      Yes, it is everyone’s favorite squeaky sabrist-ette who has captured the title so coveted by so many…or maybe that’s feared by so many, we can never be quite sure.  The half of the BOTM committee who got shanghaied into doing this never really says much on the topic, but then again they tend to remain silent anyway.  Mostly.  You REALLY gotta watch out for those quiet ones, man…you never know when they may harbor stalker tendencies or find cockroaches really adorable.

      Anyway, it came to our minds that one of the qualifiers for BOTM could have been her amusing last name, but McPeak isn’t that far off on the strange scale of Goucher fencing last names – I mean, c’mon, we’ve got Apples and Provins and Reeds and Waldschuetzs (that one’s gotta be the strangest) and Jordans and Wilsons (I take it back, what exactly IS a Wilson anyway?  I think I saw one in a movie with Tom Hanks on some island somewhere, but OUR Wilson doesn’t look anything like THAT Wilson, unless she dressed up as an Uruk-Hai and put the handprint on her face.  Hmm.  Maybe not) and a lot of other ones, but no one has ever been hoisted on the BOTM petard for their name, so we won’t break that precedent now. 

      After all, it’s vitally important that precedents be followed, because if not then they become antecedents, and that’s just ALL BAD.  They just gotta go in front.

 

Congratulations, Katie!!  You are This Month’s Bitch!

      You may all cheer now.

 

Stop cheering now.  You may throw small pickles at her now.

 

Okay, that was REALLY silly.  Quit it.

 

The Bitch of the Month award is brought to you almost on a regular monthly schedule by the BOTM committee, which still consists of two people who have entirely too much else to do.  But hey, if the silent half reminds the noisy half, it tends to get done quicker.  There is also the possibility that the BOTM committee can expand to three people if we can convince the new person that yes, this is in fact funny and not the product of twisted screwball brains.  Go outside and pray for Spring, we’re all sick of this crappy weather.  Now.