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March.
The time of year named for when people get sick of winter and decide to
boldly march forth from their homes and reclaim the land from the cold, nasty,
gray chilly ugliness that is winter. Then
they turn around and march right back inside because it’s too damn cold and
there’s still snow on the ground. Especially
if you happen to live in
Maryland
, where if you don’t like the weather wait half an hour.
Obviously, Spring ain’t Sprung.
The Bitch of the Month for March is a relatively new student here at
Goucher. She’s a freshman –
freshperson? Who cares.
First year student. She has
not been named BOTM previously, though she has many exceptional qualities
that…uh…qualify her for this most esteemed position.
In the grand tradition of the BOTM, we shall naturally have to review
all of these qualities and examine in depth just WHY they are so bitch-worthy.
- This
month’s Bitch is, while not being a charter member of the Cripple Club,
certainly one of the members of this year’s incarnation of that most
annoyingly hallowed sub-institution. Rumor
holds she’s missed more time than the coach-person for injurious
recoveries. There may be some
truth to that, but the coach has had many more years to injure himself
than she has had for herself.
- She
has a temper! This was
evidenced last year when she was a mere prospective and we learned that
she’d broken her wrist while mauling an opponent in lieu of the crappy
director. We think it would
have been funnier had she mauled the director.
- She
makes funny squeaky noises when you poke, provoke, annoy, harass, tickle
or otherwise come into contact with her, which could explain why she
doesn’t fence foil but in fact fences…one of the other two weapons
that would clearly give away her identity if you haven’t figured it out
already. If you have, then
shut up and let everyone else wait in suspense.
- That
gigantic bag. We of the BOTM
committee strongly suspect that last month’s Bitch, Whitney, could
easily fit inside the giant black rolling engine of deeestruction.
- Robo-boob.
Need we say more?
- As
always, there is NOOOOO sixth thing.
- The
floppy back hand. She should
know better than to try covering target area, so she keeps that hand
either where it shouldn’t be, IE covering target, or stuck in her back
pocket. Why exactly this is
remains a mystery, but we’re not going to explore it TOO much.
- Hockey
hotties with most-to-all of their original teeth.
‘nuff said.
- There’s
a certain thing…involving a certain person who never shows up at fencing
anymore since the coach chased him off…that if you mention to her…she
gets all grossed out. Which is
fun. But in the interest of
decorum and our PG-13 rating I will not mention that specific thing.
But I’ll bet she thinks it anyway.
As
always, we of the BOTM committee aim to provide a great deal of humor and
buildup towards the final announcement of the awarding of the award to the
monthly winner. Maybe someday
there will actually be a little trophy thing, or trophy things, that can be
handed out with the winner’s name and month and year on them.
Just so that NO ONE EVER FORGETS who the BOTM was for that month.
Or maybe a plaque thing in the armory…but not the tooth-decay kind of
plaque, because that would be so hideously gross and nasty and…just, ew!
Anyway, without further
ado we present to you the Bitch of March 2004:
KATIE
McPEAK!!
Yes, it is everyone’s
favorite squeaky sabrist-ette who has captured the title so coveted by so
many…or maybe that’s feared by so many, we can never be quite sure.
The half of the BOTM committee who got shanghaied into doing this never
really says much on the topic, but then again they tend to remain silent
anyway. Mostly.
You REALLY gotta watch out for those quiet ones, man…you never know
when they may harbor stalker tendencies or find cockroaches really adorable.
Anyway, it came to our minds that one of the qualifiers for BOTM could
have been her amusing last name, but McPeak isn’t that far off on the
strange scale of Goucher fencing last names – I mean, c’mon, we’ve got
Apples and Provins and Reeds and Waldschuetzs (that one’s gotta be the
strangest) and Jordans and Wilsons (I take it back, what exactly IS a Wilson
anyway? I think I saw one in a
movie with Tom Hanks on some island somewhere, but OUR Wilson doesn’t look
anything like THAT Wilson, unless she dressed up as an Uruk-Hai and put the
handprint on her face. Hmm.
Maybe not) and a lot of other ones, but no one has ever been hoisted on
the BOTM petard for their name, so we won’t break that precedent now.
After all, it’s vitally important that precedents be followed,
because if not then they become antecedents, and that’s just ALL BAD.
They just gotta go in front.
Congratulations,
Katie!! You are This Month’s
Bitch!
You may all cheer now.
Stop
cheering now. You may throw small
pickles at her now.
Okay,
that was REALLY silly. Quit it.
The
Bitch of the Month award is brought to you almost on a regular monthly
schedule by the BOTM committee, which still consists of two people who have
entirely too much else to do. But
hey, if the silent half reminds the noisy half, it tends to get done quicker.
There is also the possibility that the BOTM committee can expand to
three people if we can convince the new person that yes, this is in fact funny
and not the product of twisted screwball brains.
Go outside and pray for Spring, we’re all sick of this crappy
weather. Now.
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