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November.
The
Turkey
Month. The strange time when
you've got a holiday, then three weeks, and another holiday.
Most college kids use this time to bring home most of their summer crap
in preparation for new winter crap. Or
just carry home a triple-bucket load of laundry both times.
Silly people. It's also the
month where stranger things happen than in October.
Sometimes.
The Bitch this month has tried for many moons to make the esteemed list of
Bitches. Luckily, the Bitch hasn't
actually MOONED anyone. For this,
we are all grateful. Amen.
Though exactly what barred
metal doors have to do with thankfulness is quite rather beyond our capacity.
But we're still thankful for no moonings, run-by or otherwise.
This Month's bitch is typically instantly recognizable by his most
obvious feature. Well, that and
he's head-n-shoulders taller than most everyone.
Okay, so he's tall. And did
we mention really narrow too? These
two features combine to make him a most annoying person to fence against.
Luckily, he sticks to epee only. Epees,
though, tend NOT to stick to him. Which
is also a good thing, since getting stabbed should be on everyone's list of
experiences to AVOID.
Though I heard a rumor he
recently picked up foil, which effectively removes him from "Purist
Fencer of the Year" award. Which
we don't have, so I guess that's okay. I
hope he won't be TOO crushed by that revelation.
So what happened? Why did
this month's Bitch make the list when he fell short in months prior?
Were there a lack of distinguished candidates?
Was there a lack of candidates at all?
Did he win by default?
Well, no actually. There
were a few other distinguished candidates who pulled some stunts worthy of
being named Bitch. However, they
were disqualified for a number of reasons which decorum (and our PG-13 rating)
prohibit us from disclosing until the statute of limitations expires in 2007.
WHY??
WHY??
Because this Month's Bitch follows in the footsteps of a previous
year's Bitch and has learned the art of INVISIBILITY!!
He was allegedly at "Theater" doing "Shop Work" or
"Tech Rehearsals" or other such similar nonsense.
However, he managed to maintain a fair working knowledge of fencing
events which could only have been gleaned from someone's brain (and the notion
of telepathy is just SILLY) or from having been there himself!
There was also the issue
of arranging for the breaking of the armory's lock off with a volleyball pole,
and something about the mutilation of an SGA exec board member's ears and
little toes, but we're not going to talk about those right now.
Little toes are never good conversationalists, don't help your balance
and always manage to be the toes that get stepped on and run into steps,
corners, edges and other painful things.
All that aside, the Bitch of the Month Committee is proud to announce
that...
PAUL
JORDAN
Is this month's
Bitch!
Congratulations, Paul. You
have ascended the curtain invisible and joined the Honored Ranks of the
Bitches. Thou shalt be duly
ridiculed for thine foibles. Or
maybe thine epee-bules. Could we
run over your little toes with a Tomato-colored Amigo??
This award is
brought to you by the Bitch of the Month Committee, which as always consists
of the person who was shanghaied and the dedicated staff of volunteers who
think they're more numerous than they really are.
Oh, and the person who remembers all the stuff that actually happens,
which happens to be the same person as the one who got shanghaied.
Maybe they think that if they placate the volunteers, the volunteers
will go away quietly one night and never return. |
